When you’re in a relationship, it can be both heaven and hell. Of course, it’s heaven because you feel great around this person and you feel good giving of yourself to this person. You are in a special place when you spend time together. You feel that you are complete when you’re with this special person in your life. The problem with the relationship is that you’re no longer dealing with yourself. Anytime you reach out beyond the comfort zone of yourself, you have to deal with somebody else’s reality. This can be a challenging situation. To many people, this can be downright scary. It’s not uncommon for people that they’re having a tough enough time coping with their own personal issues. The last thing they need is to deal with somebody else’s issues. But this is precisely what’s at play when you are in a relationship. A relationship is all about relating to somebody. A relationship is about walking with somebody and walking together with somebody on a personal journey together. It can be rocky. It can be frustrating. It can be disappointing. Often times, you want to give up at certain points on the way. But the truth is, all relationships face challenge. Otherwise, either the people in the relationship is in denial or it’s not a real relationship. This is the price we pay for real emotional intimacy and real emotional growth together. Here are some of the common issues between men and women in a relationship.
Learning To Truly Accept Differences within a Relationship
It’s easier to accept somebody who is different from you if you have reached the point in your life where you have fully accepted yourself. Unfortunately, most of us haven’t reached that stage yet. Most of us are insecure. Most of us have a tough time letting go of certain things from the past. Most of us have certain stories running through our head that doesn’t really match reality. Most of us subscribe to certain beliefs that really hold us back from living the lives that we’re capable of living. Considering how problematic life can be on individual level, can you imagine getting into a situation where you have to cope with somebody else’s issues and that is precisely why people have a tough time accepting each other’s differences? People are creatures of comfort. We also have tunnel vision. We only tend to look at the world from our own set of eyes. It really takes a lot of maturity and a lot of tome together to start seeing the world with somebody else’s view point and this what makes it so hard to learn to truly accept differences within a relationship. It is really easy for us to expect that our partner would accept us fully, but it’s very hard for us to fully accept our partner. In a very real sense, many of us are still children where we would like to have our cake and eat it too. Forget about giving cake to somebody else, it’s all about us. This is why relationships can really help people mature. Why? They are put in a situation where they are forced to accept differences and live with those differences. In other words, they are forced to stop thinking so much about themselves and be more compassionate and have more empathy towards other people.
Letting Go Of Wanting To “Remake” Your Partner
The biggest enemy of any real relationship really is the concept of self. If you are self-absorbed or you are a selfish person, it’s going to be very hard to have a really deep, authentic and emotionally intimate relationship. How can it be otherwise? A relationship after all is all about two people giving up something of themselves so that they can join together on a deep emotional level. It’s you on the other hand expect your partner to change and you don’t have to change, you’re not really being selfless enough. You are being selfish. This is precisely the reason why trying to remake your partner can only lead to disaster. People try to remake or reform their partner have an underlying assumption that they are perfect or they have it figured out and their partner needs to get his or her act together. See what’s wrong with this picture? The reality is that we’re all works in progress. All of us have our own weaknesses. To assume that you’re perfect and your partner is deeply flawed, it’s really a recipe for disaster. Sure, out of love, that person might go along up to a certain extent. But guess what, that person is going to resent you. That person is not going to be happy about the process. Why? If you want to remake somebody, you have to first use yourself as an example. The best kind of personal transformation is one that is brought about by setting up the right example. If you want people to stop drinking, you better stop drinking yourself. If you want people to stop smoking, you better not be a smoker. The same goes with trying to remake your partner. Another key problem with this common relationship issue is that it shows that you haven’t really fully accepted your partner. By trying to make him or her into something he or she is not is a serious problem because you haven’t really fully accepted that person. It’s one thing to encourage and motivate your partner to become a really polished version of who he or she is, it’s another to completely remake that person into something that he or she is not. See the difference?
Finding Your Place in the Relationship
Relationships are often like emotional chessboards. There are certain places where your partner must be and the rest is your territory. This is the foundation for a healthy relationship. A real relationship means there is a space for both partners. One of the most common issues people face when trying to relate to another person on an intimate level is that they are unclear as to what their place is. As a result, they either try to dominate or they basically suppress themselves and let the other person takeover. Either choice is wrong. Either choice leads to disappointment, confusion, frustration and eventually a breakup. If you want your relationship to be healthy, you have to be very clear with each other as to what your place is in your relationship. This is not a small matter. It has very clear manifestations. One of these manifestations of course is your role in the relationship. You have to learn to find your place in the relationship. You cannot be passive. You cannot just let the other person takeover and then get frustrated when the other person does takeover. You have to speak up. You have to be clear as to what your role in the relationship will be.
Understanding That the Relationship Has a Life Above And Beyond You Two
One of the most common misconceptions people have regarding relationships is that it’s like a contract. I’m a separate person. You’re a separate person. We get into this love relationship and we’re still two separate people, but we’re in this contract called a relationship. People around us understand that you and I are in a relationship and that’s that. In reality, being in a real relationship goes beyond give and take principle. The problem with using contracts as an analogy or as a model for relationships is that contracts are meant to be broken. Think about it. If your contract is for one thousand dollars and somebody makes you an offer for one million dollars, it makes a lot of sense for you to break that original contract with somebody because guess what, if the court of law finds you liable, you only owe that person expectation damages. In other words, you owe that person one thousand dollars. You still made a million bucks because somebody made you a way better offer. You can’t look at relationships that way. A relationship really is something that has a life of its own once you agreed to it with somebody else. This is a very important concept. Why? It brings with it duty. So if the person you’re in a relationship with catches a disease and becomes ugly, it doesn’t mean that you leave that person. It means you take care of that person until that person gets better or until that person dies. A real relationship is all about commitment. It’s all about duty. It’s all about doing things that don’t feel good, but you still do it anyway. It’s all about doing things that are inconvenient, but you still do it anyway. That is the relationship between a real relationship and a fake one. Unfortunately, a lot of people have issues with this. Because once again, we’re all selfish creatures. We only look at relationships based on what makes sense to us and what benefits us. Real relationships vaporized this old concept of self and turns “I” into “we”.
Learning Each Other’s Personal Language
Did you ever noticed that most jobs require good communication skills? If you want to do well at a job, you better know how to communicate really well. A good communication skills is not just about talking. It’s not just about writing well. It’s about body language and also being emotionally authentic. When you are in a relationship, you have to learn each other’s language. People have been trained by their parents or just by their experiences to express their emotions in a certain way. One of the biggest frustrations of being in a relationship is that you are forced to become a translator. Throughout your life, you know how you feel. You know how to verbalize how you feel and you know how to express how you feel deep inside through facial expressions and body language. Now that you are in a relationship, you have to learn how that other person in front of you expresses what he or she feels. This can take a lot of time and this can also lead to a lot of misunderstandings, a lot of frustration and a lot of confusion. Still, if you want your relationship to truly live up to its fullest potential, you have to take the time, effort and emotional energy to learn the other person’s personal language. The hardest part of all this is that you have to learn it even if that other person doesn’t want to learn your personal language. You have to learn it even the other person doesn’t return your emotions. You have to learn it even the other person is being rude or being cranky. That’s the price you pay for of being in a relationship. If you want your relationship to succeed, somebody has to standup and at least try to understand the other person. Otherwise, if you resign yourselves to not really understanding each other’s language, there’s only one direction your relationship will go and that’s down.
The biggest issue of any relationship is maturity. As people get older and they experience more things in life, their expectations change. It’s bound to happen. That’s how life is. Unfortunately, many people find themselves in a relationship where it never really grows up after a certain point. It never really matches their changing expectations. What started out as a very accelerating, fun and truly meaningful emotional exchange has now turned into a chore and hassle. Instead of your relationship being a place where you can grow and express yourself with full emotional authenticity, it has become a prison. If you find yourself in this situation it’s because your expectations have changed. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way. The good news is that by clearly communicating to each other that your expectations are changing, you can then agree as to what you both can do to accommodate and to grow together. Like it or not, people are going to grow in whatever relationship they’re in. The only issue is whether they grow together or they will grow apart. One of the most important growing experiences or growing dilemmas for relationship is maturing from expecting what the relationship can do for you to what you can do for the relationship. If you are able to survive this stage of development and your relationship is on a good footing.
Human relationships are very complicated because people are complicated. There are lots of signals that can go wrong. There are lots of information being exchange that can lead to serious problems. Also, relationships are problematic because we are all inherently selfish people. The beauty of relationships is that if we communicate clearly, we can work to grow together and help to improve each other instead of having our relationship trap us or keep us from living the fullest lives that we’re capable of living. By having a clear understanding of the common relationship issues described above, we can recognize common problems and work together to come up with common solutions.