The Nationals Enquirer

FLop House!

"I was thinking: Get it done."
(Felipe Lopez, via Washington Post, 4/30/2008)

Nats 3, Braves 2: It takes a dozen, but FelipE, Nats get it done.

(Note that we can't bring ourselves to say *anything* about Shawn Hill...we're giddy...just hope his arm feels ok tomorrow)

Get well soon, Chief.

(AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

Adventures continue in center for L-Millz

   

How come every ball hit in Lastings Milledge's direction these days turns into an adventure?

Nothing comes easy for L-Millz: nearly killed Kearns in the 2nd last night (above)...then made a great catch later in the game...then looked like he almost misjudged Chipper Jones' fly out to end the game...everything hit his way is a mini-heart attack.

Meanwhile, Fingers crossed for Hill today...

Win some, lose some

"I'm hoping there's nothing torn in there. I'll just take the next couple weeks off, I guess."
(Chad Cordero, via Washington Times, 4/30/2008)

"That's where I need to be. That's when I do best, when I drive the ball that way. Hopefully I can stay right there."
(Ryan Zimmerman, via Washington Post, 4/30/2008)

Nats 6, Braves 3: Zimm breaks out (3-4, HR, 3RBI); Chief breaks down (~55 mph fastball was the tipoff).

Hey! Nats (10-17) don't have the worst record in baseball anymore -- thanks, Texas!

 

(Image of Cordero on TV taken by Nationals Enquirer staff. Standings screenshot from mlb dot com.)

Enquirer Answers the Mailbag!

Off days suck! So with nothing better to do with our time, let's answer the latest edition of the Nationals.com mailbag! As usual, keep those e-mails coming to Nationals.com, and we'll keep copying and pasting them over here and giving our half-assed answers! Here we go:

Is John Lannan the real deal?
-- S.M., New York, N.Y.

Let's talk in a month or two, give or take a year, before we go on record on this one. There's a lot to like. Lannan has managed to work his way out of some tricky situations his last couple of starts; but he's also gotten himself into said situations. Lots of walks. But dammit all if he doesn't seem unfazed by it all. So to answer your question: Yes! Absolutely!

How long can the Nationals keep Austin Kearns in the lineup? I'm tired of management saying how hard he's working and great he is. That is nice, but the bottom line is, he has not produced. In 1 1/2 seasons, I can't remember him getting a big hit. His production definitely doesn't warrant batting fifth or sixth in the order.
-- J. R., Fairfax, Va.

Kearns probably would've been replaced by Elijah Dukes by now if ED hadn't faked his hammy injury so he could go clean zoo cages down in Florida. But Kearns remains in the lineup for a good reason: He's in possession of naked pictures of Jim Bowden on his Segway.

The last few years, RFK's dimensions were blamed for the Nationals' lack of hitting. What's the excuse this year?
-- P. R., Oakton, Va.

Long lines for Ben's Chili Bowl? Metro? Lenny Harris? All of the above? This much I know: it doesn't have much to do with Dmitri Young.

I'm noticing that some of the quotes of recently hit-hard pitchers (Matt Chico, Jason Bergmann, etc.) such as, "I lost confidence in my breaking ball" or, "I just didn't have it out there." Would you agree that catcher Brian Schneider is missed as a steady hand and an encouraging voice?
-- M. L., Washington

Disagree. Next question.

The Nats are playing losing baseball, yet Acta seems so patient. How does he stay so composed when sometimes there is obviously poor defense and offense, along with some careless mistakes?
-- K. L., Rockville, Md.

Valium. Next question.

If Church had made the same mistakes as Lastings Milledge, he would have been demoted or benched. What do you think?
-- B. M., Alexandria, Va.

I *think* you need to let Church go. I *think* I'm glad Church is gone so every Mailbag we don't have to answer questions about Ryan Church get disrespected by the organization, etc. etc. Yes, Milledge is a work in progress, and an adventure in center and on the base paths...but...but...I'll take him over Ryan Church for no better reason than that Ryan Church backers like you are a bunch of whiners.

What has Frank Robinson been up to lately?
-- Brian K., Carle Place, N.Y.

Naps.

Jam Master J.

"You have to forget what happened in the past,' that's what [Acta] told me. The past is the past for a reason. You got to work on what you got going on right now."
(John Lannan, via Nationals dot com, 4/27/2008)

Nats 2, Cubs 0: Jam after jam, but somehow Lannan pitched his way out (runs scoreless streak to 19 innings).

Save Wil Nieves!

(Farewell, Ray King.)

(AP Photo/Haraz N. Ghanbari)

Chic0-5

"We don't know yet. It's five more months of baseball. I'm not saying I might stick the whole season [with him] if he continues to pitch like this. It's only been a month. If we were going to take a month on guys that are struggling here, then there would be a lot of guys out of here by now."
(Manny Acta, via Washington Post, 4/27/2008)

Cubs 7, Nats 0: MAAAtt Chico gets lit up again.

Somewhere, there's a Greyhound bus idling and a one way ticket to Columbus waiting...

(Photo: Getty Images)

Will Wil Power!

"It felt like I was running in the clouds. It was unbelievable. I've never had that experience." (Will Wil Nieves, via Washington Times, 4/26/2008)

Nats 5, Cubs 3: First time's the charm for the least likely hero! Will Wil Nieves' walkoff tops Cubs.

(video above, Nieves gets a shaving cream pie in the face from Odalis Perez prior to his post-game interview)

GadZOOks! So that explains it!

 

Sure, the story broke hours ago, but here at the palatial offices of The Nationals Enquirer, we're still stunned by news of the real reason for the radio silence on Elijah Dukes' return to FLA this last week. How on earth were they able to keep this under wraps (via St. Petersburg Times, 4/25/2008)?

To get his misdemeanor probation cut short by five months, former Tampa Bay Rays outfielder Elijah Dukes spent 25 hours during the past week cleaning out cages and mopping at Lowry Park Zoo. 

Incredible! We'd been getting suspicious about his whereabouts for days!

(Exclusive photo above butchered by Nationals Enquirer staff)

Enquirer Exclusive! Lastings Milledge blames Metro for tardiness

"I love Milledge, and he knows it. Out of all the rules that I have, I have three rules that are unbreakable, regardless of who you are. You can be the 25th guy on the team or Ryan Zimmerman. ... Go ask Jim Bowden and Stan Kasten and the Lerners: What would they do to me if I showed up late to work?"
(Manny Acta, via Washington Times, 4/25/2008)

"It was something I couldn't control. I take full responsibility."
(Lastings Milledge, via Washington Post, 4/25/2008)

Milledge decides to "Go Metro": Pays the price.

According to sources with no knowledge of the situation, Lastings Milledge arrived late to work at Nationals Park for last night's game against the Mets because he decided to take Metro instead of driving his car. Milledge may or may not have told sources: "I heard there was no parking around the stadium, so I decided to take Metro. The Green Line sucks. Got me benched." Manny Acta unavailable for comment.

Felipez Navidad!

"Even when he didn't win the job out of spring training, he never put his head down. He worked hard, had a good attitude. He knew it from the get-go. I told him: 'It's a long season. It doesn't mean you can't work yourself back into the lineup.'"
(Manny Acta, via Washington Post, 4/25/2008)

Nats 10, Mets 5: Felipe Lopez slam dunks Mets.

What kind of idiot would've called for a trade to the Cubs in the spring involving FelipE and and some spare fungo bats?

2 more hits for WiMP last night (and reportedly, no tears)!

L-Millz tardy: trouble brewing?

Meanwhile...holy crap, an Elijah Dukes sighting!

(AP Photo/Chad J. McNeeley)