The Nationals Enquirer

Spoil 'em rotten

"Like I said from the beginning: I don't care what everybody else thinks. We're here. Three games to go. A good position. Gonna be fun."
(Jimmy Rollins, via Philadelphia Daily News, 9/28/2007)

Next up: Screw it all up for the Phillies*. Nothing less than a 3 game sweep will do in front of a packed house. Or 2 of 3, take your pick.

Not so "lowly" any more: Nationally, the NAAAts are officially "pesky". Or "hapless", take your pick.

Oh, and memo to Tim Redding: don't forget to get a little revenge tonight for Wily Mo. Thank you.

*Sorry, Harper: we love the term "spoiler"...

(AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr.)

Enquirer Exclusive: Plenty of parking spaces in Omaha, Nebraska

Fenty believes Omaha may be the answer to Stadium parking nightmare

According to sources with no knowledge of the situation, Mayor Adrian M. Fenty has brokered a deal with Omaha, Nebraska Mayor Mike Fahey and Chamber of Commerce President David Brown to solve the problem of 8,000+ missing parking spaces in Southeast. Fahey and Brown were in Washington yesterday to tour the new Nationals ballpark site. In an exclusive interview, Fenty may or may not have told the Enquirer: "Problem solved: Omaha. This was a top priority of the administration. It's looking like there's no chance in hell the Navy Yard Metro station will be finished on time, so we need to steer as many people away from public transportation as possible. Having no parking around the stadium was a critical issue to begin with. So we worked out a 5 year deal with the great city of Omaha, Nebraska. People driving to game should simply head north on 270, take a left on I-70, and head West. Look for the signs. We'll provide free shuttle buses back from Omaha." Stan Kasten unavailable for comment.

Meanwhile...

• Mets lose again, Phillies win again: Tie at the top of the NL East!
• Manny being Manny. I wonder why the NAAAts haven't picked up those club options yet?
• Jimbo being Jimbo. On the team's biggest need(s) going into the offseason: "If you want to go to the World Series, then you need a No. 1 and No. 2 starter. That's what you need. That's why we drafted what we drafted. No. 2, you need middle-of-the-order, impact bats -- on-base percentage guys in the middle of your lineup. ...Nowadays, you want a high on-base percentage and high slugging percentage -- guys that produce runs."
• Church being Church?
• Congrats to Lannan and Maxwell, minor league pitcher and player of the year.
• Tim Russert is the Devil.
• SBF is not definitely not a Bob Carpenter guy. Here at The Nationals Enquirer, we're sorry to see him go: Best of luck to you, Bob.
• Redding vs. Hamels tonight. Can't believe the season is down to 3 games...

(Photo by Philip Gould/Corbis -- corn: tasseled corn. [Photograph]. Retrieved September 27, 2007, from Encyclopædia Britannica Online: http:// www. britannica.com/eb/art-75686)

NAAAts collar Mutts

"It was kind of weird."
(Manny Acta, via Washington Post, 9/27/2007)

NAAAts 9, Mets 6: Big rally seals sweep. (Ha ha!) Mets' lead down to 1 in NL East.

(AP Photo/Kathy Willens)

Amazin' Mess!

"I wouldn't say we were worried...We had the lead. We have a really good bullpen, and our last two guys are very good. I'll take Chief and Rauch with four runs any day of the week."
(Ryan Zimmerman, via Washington Times, 9/26/2007)

NAAAts 10, Mets 9: Jesus and the Chief implode as Manny tries to give his old buddy Willie a 9th inning gift, but it all turned out ok in the end.

71 Wins!

(AP Photo/Kathy Willens)

Spoiler alert!

"We know what's on the line ... We're hungry to knock people off. ... It's satisfying to know we can go out there, beat this quality team and have an impact on the whole race."
(Ryan Church, via Washington Times, 9/25/2007)

NAAAts 13, Mets 4: Ha ha! NAAAts pound pathetic Pelfrey, Mets. This is fun!

Hey Mets, look on the bright side: at least you're not the Orioles.

Crap: The news isn't getting any better on Shawn Hill. Bowden tells the Washington Times: "He should be ready by spring training for all injuries..." Oh well, there's always The Big Pattsy, right?

WMP's hand is still sore (might return to the lineup tonight) after being drilled by a pitch after the Phillies threw at him last weekend in retaliation for the Lannan-Utley affair. Someone needs to make a Phillie pay this week...

(AP Photo/Kathy Willens)

Farewell, RFK

"This place has treated us well. We have some great memories here. The whole '05 season was awesome. And we have some bad memories."
(Chad Cordero, via Washington Post, 9/24/2007)

NAAAts 5, Phillies 3: NAAAts close out RFK with a win. Thanks for the memories? After the game, Ted Lerner buried all the money he's not going to spend to increase payroll in the offseason under home plate.

(AP Photo by Kevin Wolf)

NAAAts Phall in 10

"We battled. We had our chance to win with a man on third and no outs."
(Manny Acta, via Washington Times, 9/23/2007)

Phillies 4, NAAAts 1: Yup, we're still trying to figure out this morning how they found a way not to score with Schneider on third and no outs in the 7th.

Today: It's goodbye, RFK. Marc Fisher chimes in. Granted, there's a lot of history in the old dump, but it's too bad they can't just raze it after today's game.

Will Teddy finally win a race? Our sources tell us: yes.

Da Meat Hook: Done for '07?

If Stan Kasten runs into Barry Svrluga today, will they kiss and make up?

(AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)

Hill of Beans

"Just leaving a lot of balls over the middle of the plate...They're a good hitting team. Didn't have a lot of good movement on the ball today. Yanked a lot of pitches. Letting a lot of balls kind of fly on me a bit. They're all good hitters. You leave those pitches where they can get to them and they're going to do what they did."
(Shawn Hill, via Washington Post, 9/22/2007)

Phillies 6, NAAAts 3: Shoulder surgery probably would've been more fun.

Those bastards are throwing at Wily Mo! Is it retaliation for Lannan breaking Chase Utley's hand? Tim Redding needs to exact a little revenge tonight, we think.

Welcome back, Guzman.

(AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)

Enquirer Exclusive: Free Beer at RFK on Sunday!

According to sources with no knowledge of the situation, the Washington Nationals will celebrate the end of baseball at RFK Stadium by giving away t-shirts and serving free beer to every man, woman, and child entering Sunday's 2007 home finale against the Phillies. Nationals President Stan Kasten reportedly told an unnamed source: "Borrowing a page from our 'Paint the town Red' promotion last summer, we're rolling out the proverbial red carpet to our loyal fans: and that red carpet is beer. We want our ballpark full, and we want our fans drunk to distract them as much as possible as we say goodbye to this hellhole of a stadium. See you in 2008!" Ted Lerner unavailable for comment.   

Meanwhile...a couple of things we missed the last few days while we were out...

• Surgery scheduled for Hill. Sure it's his non-throwing shoulder, but it makes me nervous.
• This late in the season, what's the point?
• Thomas Boswell takes a trip down memory lane.
• In yesterday's papers, Kasten didn't exactly give a ringing endorsement to upgrading the 2008+beyond NAAAts through free agency: "Signing free agents prematurely moves you further away from your goal, not closer...We want to add players to this team next year. Perhaps it's free agency, but more likely, I think it would be through trades, either with veterans on the major league level or with prospects. We are not averse to trading prospects." (via Washington Post)
• Or, alternatively, the StanSpeak^TM version, via Capitol Punishment.
• Bob Carpenter: out. We had no problems to with Bob.
• Get well soon, Big Pattsy.
• Did we miss anything?

(AP Photo)

Off Air

Enquirer goes dark for a few days due to mounting legal troubles, general malaise.

Since we last checked in: Win, Loss, Win, Win, Loss, and tonight, a loss.

Regular programming to resume tomorrow...