The Nationals Enquirer

Enquirer Exclusive! Nationals Solve Parking Conundrum!

"We're part of a huge development project for this city. If we're a disaster, everybody around us will be a disaster of monumental proportions."
(Mark Lerner, via Washington Post, 8/29/2007)

Lerner, Kasten, believe car transporters may be the answer.

According to sources with no direct or indirect knowledge of the situation, the Washington Nationals believe they have solved the impending parking nightmare at the new Nationals Stadium with the purchase of a fleet of car transporters. According to the plan (not to be confused with The Plan), a "significant" number of fans who choose to drive to the new stadium will be accommodated by driving their cars directly onto a waiting car transporter. In an exclusive interview, Stan Kasten may or may not have told the Enquirer: "We proved just how creative this organization will be going forward a few weeks ago by signing an 18 year old kid [Jack McGeary] to what is basically a $2 million package and then letting him head off to a 4-year keg party, a.k.a. college. So in that spirit, we knew we had to get creative with this parking problem. Thomas Boswell can shove it, as far as I'm concerned. Problem solved. People will just drive up in their cars up onto the car transporter and then it will drive around the block for 3 hours while the game is going on." Ted Lerner was unavailable for comment.

Meanwhile...

Reinforcements are on the way! How about Balester?

Is the NAAAts-Bonneville radio deal a done deal? Still doesn't answer the question of what's gonna happen to Chuck Slowes and Dave Jageler? Totally unrelated: what about Bob Carpenter over at MASN (at the very least he has a future in blogging?)? If The Nationals Enqiurer has a say: we give a vote of confidence to all 3. We like Chuck, Dave, and Bob.

   

Dodger Blew

"Hey, when you're going bad, you're going bad."
(Manny Acta, via Washington Post, 8/30/2007)

Dodgers 10, NAAAts 9: That a-hole Shea Hillenbrand wins it in the 12th with a sac fly; but the game was lost in the 6th.

Hell freezes over: Fick goes yard, Schneider plays first.

To recap: since the last time we checked in here it went something like: Loss, Loss, Loss, Win, Win, Loss, Win, Loss, Loss, Loss, Loss, Loss, Loss. That's a lot of losses! And there's still time to catch Tampa Bay for the worst record in baseball! But who cares? Losses (and more importantly, wins) don't matter in 2007, right? And Wily Mo is here!

(AP Photo/Reed Saxon)

We got Wily Mo! We got Wily Mo!

Finally!

NAAAts get Wily Mo Pena from Boston for a bag of Lerner cash and a player to be named later...

Apparently, Jimbo got our memo last week...

Ok, back to vacation...

On Vacation

The Plan is alive and kicking!

So we're taking a vacation, returning Monday, August 27. Have fun...

King of the Hill

"I just need Shawn to be healthy. I don't need to see anything else...The stuff is there. He's no fluke."
(Shawn Hill, via Washington Post, 8/15/2007)

Phillies 3, NAAAts 2: Even an 8th inning disaster and a loss can't take the shine off Shawn Hill's return. Well, maybe a little. (Hope everything feels ok this morning).

Meanwhile...

Smoke 'em if you got 'em: Smoker signs, McGeary next? Sounds unlikely.

Tim Redding Golfs 200 Times a year!?

(AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)

The Enquirer answers the mailbag!

Uneventful around here the last couple of weeks, huh? With an off day yesterday, the NAAAts sitting 10 games under .500, and back-to-back series' against the Phillies and Mets starting tonight, let's open up this week's Nationals dot com Mailbag! As always, keep those e-mails coming to Nationals.com, and we'll keep copying and pasting them over here and giving our half-assed answers. Thanks a bunch.

Now that Red Sox outfielder Wily Mo Pena has cleared waivers, will the Nationals attempt to acquire him? -- P.R., Oakton, Va.

Our guess is that it was Jim Bowden who told the Boston Globe's Nick Cafardo that the NAAAts will not deal for Wily Mo (we mentioned it here on Sunday), but Wily Mo's value couldn't be any lower at the moment (he's been stinking it up all year), and it's always been said that Jim has a serious man crush on WMP. So you'd think Jimbo would be tempted to pull something off. We'd love to see WMP in Washington, patrolling lumbering around in left in the new park (they're not serious about Da Meathook in left, are they?)...We want Wily Mo! We Want Wily Mo!

What are the Nationals' plans for veteran pitchers such as Mike Bacsik, Micah Bowie and Tim Redding? Should we expect to see them in the starting rotation next year?
-- J.A., Fredericksburg, Va.

Take 'em out to the glue factory...

Is Alex Escobar ever going to return to the Major Leagues?
-- A.R., Washington, D.C.

There's always next year...

What's the status of pitcher Jerome Williams?
-- T.H., San Francisco

You mean the guy we so boldly predicted would lead the team in starts, with 25, this year? Released from AA Harrisburg, Jerome was rescued en route to the glue factory by the Twins, signing a minor league deal.

Now that the Nats have locked up Dmitri Young for at least a couple more years, what is the purpose of keeping Nick Johnson?
-- A.E., Bethesda, Md.

Shouldn't that be the other way around? Here's a better question -- who reports to Spring Training in worse shape next year, Nick J. or Da Meathook?

Meanwhile...

Arms race! Keep your fingers crossed for a pain-free start for Hill tonight...

Jesus is my copilot

"It would have been a long flight ... if we would have lost that game."
(Jon Rauch, via Washington Post, 8/13/2007)

NAAAts 7, D-backs 6: Long flight averted. Sweep, too.

There's no quit in Manny's NAAAts. Hey, Jesus Flores showed up for the first time since Philly!

Meanwhile...

Chico stays. Traber goes. Bacsik* to the 'pen.

(AP Photo/Paul Connors)

Webb Gem

"It's there, and then you blink ... and it's gone."
(Brian Schneider, via Washington Post, 8/12/2007)

Diamondbacks 1, NAAAts 0: Brandon Webb was untouchable; Lannan was just a little bit touchable.

Meanwhile...

• Da Meat Hook sits (again); will sit again today. Time to call up Broadway (he's finally hitting)!
• What the Hill? Shawn WILL pitch Tuesday after all? Thanks for everything, Matt Chico -- see you in September.
• Remember 4th place? NAAAts lead in last place grows to 2 over the Marlins.
• Mike Bacsik gets his first start in post-Barry* life today, facing former AAA teammate Micah Owings -- Bacsik & Owings combined to go 21-0 last year?
• Justin who? Potomac farmhand Justin Jones was thisclose to throwing a perfect game last night against the Winston-Salem Warthogs.
• Mayor Fenty is trying to push soccer out of Washington the same way he tried to push baseball out of Washington. NoVa United?
• NAAAts will not try to make a move to bring Wily Mo Pena to DC? From Nick Cafardo (Boston Globe): "I've been told the Nationals will not deal for Wily Mo Peña." In the next paragraph, he quotes Jimbo extensively re: Da Meathook, so we'll assume Nick got his info straight from the horse's mouth. Then again, we all know what Jim told reporters about Shawn Hill's return, so we'll hold out hope for WMP in DC.

(AP Photo/Rick Scuteri)

Jacked Up

"I can't explain it. Just poor command of every one of his pitches."
(Manny Acta, via Washington Post, 8/11/2007)

Diamondbacks 11, NAAAts 4: Walk, Walk, Walk, Walk, Walk, Walk, Walk, Walk, Walk, Walk. Chico bad, Bullpen badder. Livan still Livan. Long balls a'plenty, etc.

Meanwhile...

• Da Meathook sits again.
• Hill: thisclose but not quite there yet.
• Detwiler's debut last night: "Not good. Not bad."
• More on Carpenter's call of 756: "That’s probably a home-run call that’s been sitting in my mind for the last nine years waiting to be used."

(AP Photo/Paul Connors)

Enquirer Exclusive! Livo Weight Loss Shocker!

"It was almost as if someone took Livan Hernandez's head and stuck it on Ricky Martin's body."
(Unidentified Beat Writer, via The Nationals Enquirer, 8/10/2007)

Livo-suction!?

According to sources with no direct or indirect knowledge of the situation, Livan Hernandez has dropped from from 280 to 180 pounds seemingly overnight. A beat writer covering the Nationals who asked not to be named tells the Enquirer: "It was fairly shocking to walk into the clubhouse earlier today and see Livo like that. It was almost as if someone took Livan Hernandez's head and stuck it on Ricky Martin's body. Downright disturbing, if you ask me."

Hernandez claims he lost an astonishing 100 pounds over the past six weeks with a diet of protein shakes, fish and vegetables - but experts say his drastically slim appearance indicates he's taken a disastrous path to weight loss. Other "Sources" who examined recent shocking photos of the 6-foot-2 pitcher say he appears to have lost too much weight too quickly. Other "experts" seem to think Livo's extreme weight loss may be the result of "The Star Jones" method.

Regardless -- it's Livo vs. Chico, tonight.

(Note -- scroll down: Shouldnt it be clearer that it's not real? Shouldnt good satire smack you in the face? Bad satire should, too. Photo hack job of Livo and Ricky Martin is the responsibility of The Nationals Enquirer)